


Library of Congress

by redscudery



Series: The Baker University Chronicles [2]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Library, Because I can, Bets & Wagers, Crack Relationships, Epistolary, I just really want to do a silly university au okay, I will fix these tags, Lestrade-centric, Library Sex, Multi, Professor John, Professor Molly, Professor Sherlock, Semi-Public Sex, To a point, University, and she has the biggest grant, librarian Lestrade, pretend I tagged this for all the consensual sex acts you can think of
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-15
Updated: 2015-11-21
Packaged: 2018-04-20 14:16:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 4,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4790360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redscudery/pseuds/redscudery
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The ACD Memorial Library is the hub of Baker University. Between the extensive collection and the excellent coffee shop, it's the place to see and be seen, study and be studied.  When reference librarian Greg Lestrade is hired, though, the ACD becomes even busier --because everyone wants to be the first to check his card catalogue, and there's money (and glory) in it for the winner.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [girlwhowearsglasses](https://archiveofourown.org/users/girlwhowearsglasses/gifts), [dhampir72](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dhampir72/gifts).



> So this fic is dedicated to the two lovely people above. Dhampir72 prompted me with 'book' almost a year ago, and girlwhowearsglasses won a @750-word fic from me for the Rupert Graves birthday event. This fic should--eventually-satisfy both prompts, and be well over 750 words into the bargain. 
> 
> This fic is also inspired by "Lestrade, You Sexy Thing," by lotrfan. Thank you, lotrfan, for the pleasure I have gotten from this video. I think about 20 of the views are from me.  
> Warnings for crap graphics, some OOC behaviour, occasional inaccurate detail, lots of accurate detail about what actually goes on at a university, and totally gratuitous smut.

[](http://imgur.com/JBODV8O)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for irritating co-workers and shameless girly flirting.

From: hawkins@bakeruniversity.ac.uk

To: donovan@bakeruniversity.ac.uk, anderson@bakeruniversity.ac.uk, staff@bakeruniversity.ac.uk

 

SENT: August 15, 2015, 11:47 a.m.

The sender has requested a read receipt. Send read receipt?

 

There will be a staff meeting on Monday the twentieth at 8:00. The main order of business is to introduce our new head, Gregory Lestrade, but several other items will be addressed: please see attached document. Attendance is mandatory.

 

J.

 

attached: agendaACDaugust20

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: anderson@bakeruniversity.ac.uk

To: hawkins@bakeruniversity.ac.uk

 

SENT: August 15, 2015, 11:49 a.m.

 

No pastries?

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: hawkins@bakeruniversity.ac.uk

To: donovan@bakeruniversity.ac.uk, anderson@bakeruniversity.ac.uk, staff@bakeruniversity.ac.uk

 

SENT: August 15, 2015, 12:01 p.m.

 

A reminder that Monday's meeting will take place at The Criterion cafe, which will open at 7:45 instead of 9.

 

J.

________________________________

 

jhawkins: LIKE EVERY MEETING EVER ANDERSON

panderson: I like to have all the information.

jhawkins: you are wasting my lunch hour

panderson: Speaking of information, do you know anything about our new boss?

jhawkins: yes

panderson: And?

jhawkins: going to lunch

 

________________________________

 

panderson: Sally? 

panderson: Have you heard anything about our new boss?

panderson: I know you're in your office. 

sdonovan: I am having a quiet lunch.  

panderson: Excellent. Now tell me what you know.

sdonovan: I know nothing but Janine might be able to help you.

panderson: She said she was going to lunch.

sdonovan: then you're out of luck

panderson: You two are up to something.

 

________________________________

 

sdonovan: he thinks we're up to something

jhawkins: I can see that

sdonovan: how did he become so suspicious?

jhawkins: no I meant I can see that because I CAN SEE YOUR SCREEN. 

jhawkins: quit texting me

sdonovan: this from you

jhawkins: we have serious business ahead of us

sdonovan: I'm not the one texting

jhawkins: now you are. FOCUS. 

sdonovan: fine

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning for Mycroft cake joke.

from: 07 2898 6645 (Ian Holmes)  
to: 07 2144 8162 (Angelo)

no more cinnamon scones, Angelo?  
Archie said your boy cleaned us out late yesterday  
myc? cinnamon?  
No, Sherlock  
probably an experiment  
Archie didn’t ask--strop alert, he said  
I’ll bring some more in before the ACD staff meeting  
ta, Angelo. I’ll be in at 7


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning for Anthea snark and Mycroftian pettishness.

TO: 07 1566 9903 (DD)  
From: 07 3538 0287 (GL)

Going in! Wish me luck!  
Knock ‘em dead, Greg

 

_________________________________________

 

aprydain: Your camera line is up in the Criterion

aprydain: I see what you mean

aprydain: He’s glorious

aprydain: I might have to help myself

vcprivate: A trifle unprofessional, surely

aprydain: When was the last time you watched a library staff meeting?

vcprivate:The last time we had a new head librarian

aprydain: My mistake. When was the last time you cleared your schedule to watch a library staff meeting?

vcprivate: If you must know, I found evidence of some rather unprofessional activity among the library staff, and so I am monitoring the situation

aprydain: And the new head.

vcprivate:Thank you for your contribution, Anthea.

aprydain: Do you really want me to go looking?

vcprivate: I would like you to return to your assigned task of staffing the traumatology department

aprydain: Then telling me would save time

vcprivate:Oh very well. Two individuals have made a wager regarding Gregory Lestrade. The first individual to achieve carnal knowledge of him is the winner

aprydain: My, my. And the stakes?

vcprivate: Of no import, really. Twenty pounds, and--as I believe the colloquial term goes--‘bragging rights’

aprydain: If I got into that man’s pants I’d want to brag too. And so would you.

vcprivate: You overstep, Anthea.

aprydain: And I’ll do it again: I think you want in on the bet.

vcprivate: My position does not allow it.

aprydain: That’s the most ridiculous statement I’ve heard today

vcprivate: It’s only 7:31

aprydain: I feel confident that it will keep its position.

aprydain: So confident that I think I’m going to talk to Ms. Hawkins and ask to be added to the list of runners.. Unless you want a personal wager, in which case let us talk terms.

vcprivate: Speaking of severance packages…

aprydain: Baker University does not have a no-fraternization policy, Mr. Holmes. As evidenced by your specs when you assigned me to fill that traumatology position

aprydain:  Sherlock would probably enjoy hearing those

aprydain:But I wouldn’t do that. Especially because I think you want to play

vcprivate: Define ‘carnal knowledge’

aprydain:The original terms laid out by Ms. Hawkins and Ms. Donovan.

vcprivate: Sexual contact resulting in climax for at least one party. Very open-ended, I thought

aprydain:As it were. I can live with those terms. If I win, you allow me a favour of my choice.

vcprivate: Exhorbitant.

aprydain:And vice-versa

vcprivate: Still exhorbitant. You have expensive tastes

aprydain:So do you. But it’s a risk I’m willing to take

vcprivate: You have the statistical advantage

aprydain:I do not, and you know it. You’re already playing, aren’t you?

vcprivate: That would be foolish. We have not yet agreed to terms.

aprydain:Favour each way. Sexual contact resulting in climax for one person at least.

vcprivate: Fine. Additional wager: one of us succeeds before the library staff does.  Prize to be negotiated with staff as necessary.

aprydain: Accepted.

vcprivate: Good.

aprydain: I’m going to win.

vcprivate: You’re not.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for misuse of the interlibrary loan system, Mummy Holmes, and poor sad Mycroft.

To: reference@bakeruniversity.ac.uk

From: sholmes@bakeruniversity.ac.uk

Sent: August 19, 2015, 3:45 a.m.

VOLUME REQUEST

Modeling the Growth and Dissolution of Clots in Flowing Blood

Texas A&M University, 2005 0542840200

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To: reference@bakeruniversity.ac.uk

From: sholmes@bakeruniversity.ac.uk

Sent: August 19, 2015, 3:45 a.m.

ARTICLE REQUEST

Comparison of four saliva detection methods to identify expectorated blood spatter

HY Park, BN Son, YI Seo, SK Lim - Journal of forensic sciences, 2015 - Wiley Online Library

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To: reference@bakeruniversity.ac.uk

From: sholmes@bakeruniversity.ac.uk

Sent: August 19, 2015, 3:47 a.m.

VOLUME REQUEST

Blood Spatter: A Unique Investigation Tool

C Wiley - 2015

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To: reference@bakeruniversity.ac.uk

From: sholmes@bakeruniversity.ac.uk

Sent: August 19, 2015, 3:47 a.m.

VOLUME REQUEST

Man's best friend: a case study of ballistics trauma and animal scavenging

G Hart - Skeletal Trauma Analysis: Case Studies in Context, 2015

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: reference@bakeruniversity.ac.uk

To: sholmes@bakeruniversity

 

Sent: August 19, 2015, 9:07  a.m.

 

Dear Dr. Holmes, 

 

Regarding your article and volume requests, I am pleased to let you know that we have all of the following items here at the ACD library and therefore there is no need to order them via interlibrary loan. We are open today until 9 p.m.

 

Please let us know if there is anything we can do to help you find these documents.

 

Sincerely, 

Archie McDonough

Reference clerk

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To: reference@bakeruniversity.ac.uk

From: sholmes@bakeruniversity.ac.uk

Sent: August 19, 2015, 9:19 a.m.

 

The whole point of a library is to obtain documents, is it not? And I am writing to you to obtain documents, not to be told to come and obtain them. Surely there is some imbecilic undergraduate in your employ that can fetch them to the chemistry department and leave me time to conduct my lifesaving experiments.

 

I expect the documentation on my desk within the hour.

 

SH

Sherlock Holmes

Chemistry Department

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: reference@bakeruniversity.ac.uk

To: sholmes@bakeruniversity

 

Sent: August 19, 2015, 10:55  a.m.

 

Dear Dr. Holmes, 

 

I’m afraid we no longer have the ability to deliver documents to individual offices. If you come to the library we will have a clerk assist you.

 

My sincerest apologies. 

 

Archie McDonough

Reference clerk

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To:  [ vchancellor@bakeruniversity.ac.uk ](mailto:vchancellor@bakeruniversity.ac.uk)

From: *address blocked*

  
Sent: August 19, 2015, 10:58 a.m. 

 

The library does not function as it should. Please correct it. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To:  [ sholmes@bakeruniversity.ac.uk ](mailto:sholmes@bakeruniversity.ac.uk)

From:  [ aprydain@bakeruniversity.ac.uk ](mailto:aprydain@bakeruniversity.ac.uk)

 

Sent: August 19, 2015, 11:01 a.m.

 

Dear Dr. Holmes,

 

Dr. Mycroft Holmes has arranged for you to have lunch with Dr. Violet Holmes at the Criterion café at 12:00 p.m. He requests that you be on time as Dr. Violet Holmes has a horticultural society meeting this afternoon. 

 

Sincerely, 

 

Anthea 

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To:  [ vchancellor@bakeruniversity.ac.uk ](mailto:vchancellor@bakeruniversity.ac.uk)

From: *address blocked*

  
Sent: August 19, 2015, 11:05 a.m. 

 

Food is for the weak. 

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To:  [ sholmes@bakeruniversity.ac.uk ](mailto:sholmes@bakeruniversity.ac.uk)

From: vholmes [ @bakeruniversity.ac.uk ](mailto:aprydain@bakeruniversity.ac.uk)

 

Sent: August 19, 2015, 11:20 a.m.

 

Hello darling. So glad we’ll be having lunch. Your father isn’t working today but he will be joining us, so won’t that be nice? 

 

See you shortly. 

Mum xxx

 

Dr. Violet Holmes

Mathematics

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To:  [ vchancellor@bakeruniversity.ac.uk ](mailto:vchancellor@bakeruniversity.ac.uk)

From: *address blocked*

  
Sent: August 19, 2015, 11:26 a.m. 

 

I hope you like dung beetles.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To: reference@bakeruniversity.ac.uk

From: sholmes@bakeruniversity.ac.uk

Sent: August 19, 2015, 9:30 p.m.

 

My documents are still not on my desk. I suppose you are closed, since nobody works in this country anymore--perhaps why we no longer have an empire--but I expect these documents first thing tomorrow morning or you will be very sorry indeed.

 

SH

Sherlock Holmes

Chemistry Department

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

From: reference@bakeruniversity.ac.uk

To: lestrade@bakeruniversity

 

Sent: August 20, 2015, 8:02  a.m.

 

Dear Mr. Lestrade

 

I’m sorry, I know this is your first day but these emails are getting increasingly abusive and Dr. Holmes’ brother is the vice chancellor. I would like your advice on how to proceed.

 

Thank you very much, 

 

Archie McDonough

Reference clerk

 

FORWARD

BEGIN FORWARDED MESSAGE

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To: reference@bakeruniversity.ac.uk

From: sholmes@bakeruniversity.ac.uk

Sent: August 20, 2015, 7:45 a.m.

 

My documents are still not on my desk. I suppose you are closed, since nobody works in this country anymore--perhaps why we no longer have an empire--but I expect these documents first thing tomorrow morning or you will be very sorry indeed.

 

SH

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To  [ reference@bakeruniversity.ac.uk ](mailto:reference@bakeruniversity.ac.uk)

from:  [ lestrade@bakeruniversity.ac.uk ](mailto:lestrade@bakeruniversity.ac.uk)

Sent: August 20, 2015, 7:55 a.m.

 

Dear Archie, 

 

You did the right thing; I’m going in to the staff meeting at the moment, but I’ll send an email to Dr. Holmes about it immediately. If he causes any trouble, please direct him to the Criterion and I’ll take care of it. 

 

Best of luck,

Greg Lestrade

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: lestrade@bakeruniversity.ac.uk

To: sholmes@bakeruniversity

 

Sent: August 20, 2015, 7:56  a.m.

 

Dear Dr. Holmes, 

 

I understand you have been having some difficulty with our library system. I would be happy to help you address this problem. 

 

Please let me know your availability and I will clear my schedule. 

 

Sincerely, 

  
Greg Lestrade

Head Librarian

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To:  [ vchancellor@bakeruniversity.ac.uk ](mailto:vchancellor@bakeruniversity.ac.uk)

From: *address blocked*

  
Sent: August 20, 2015, 8:02 a.m. 

 

Adding an additional layer of bureaucracy will not improve the library. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

vcprivate: how’s that traumatology search coming?

aprydain: slowly

vcprivate: well hurry it up

vcprivate: no telling what Sherlock will do to the new library head

aprydain: such a lack of confidence already

aprydain: do you need a “No Trespassing” sign?

vcprivate: possibly

aprydain: done

 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To:  [ sholmes@bakeruniversity.ac.uk ](mailto:sholmes@bakeruniversity.ac.uk)

From:  [ aprydain@bakeruniversity.ac.uk ](mailto:aprydain@bakeruniversity.ac.uk)

 

Sent: August 20, 2015, 8:26 a.m.

 

Dear Dr. Holmes,

 

Dr. Mycroft Holmes would like you to call upon Mr. Greg Lestrade, the new head librarian, as soon as you are able. He feels you have several professional interests in common.

 

Sincerely, 

 

Anthea 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To:  [ vchancellor@bakeruniversity.ac.uk ](mailto:vchancellor@bakeruniversity.ac.uk)

From:  [ sholmes@bakeruniversity.ac.uk ](mailto:sholmes@bakeruniversity.ac.uk)

CC:  [ prydain@bakeruniversity.ac.uk ](mailto:prydain@bakeruniversity.ac.uk)

 

Sent: August 20, 2015, 8:31 a.m.

 

Dear Ms. Prydain,

 

Please tell the vice-chancellor that I will be happy to meet with Mr. Lestrade at the hour of his choice, and that I look forward to making his acquaintance. 

 

Sincerely, 

  
SH

________________________________

 

vcprivate: bloody buggering hell

aprydain: should have gone with reverse reverse psychology

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for unconstitutional surveillance, Geriatric Interference ™, and the purple shirt of sex.

TO: 07 2598 2661(MH)

FROM: 07 2599 1893(VH)

 

Mats! are you busy just now?

For you I am free

Excellent! I need coffee

I am not bringing you coffee

We can meet at The Criterion

Violet? I know you have a research project on, so what's this then?

Just a little harmless curiosity

Your definition of harmless?

Nothing illegal!

Fine. Shall I call Tara and Somna?

If you like. But don’t send it through the system

Right. Big Brother et al.

Elder Son, more like

Later!

 

________________________________

TO: [ vchancellor@bakeruniversity.ac.uk ](mailto:vchancellor@bakeruniversity.ac.uk)

FROM: sysalert@sub_baker.net

 

SENT: April 20, 8:37 a.m.

ORIGIN:

07 2599 1893(Holmes, Dr. Violet)

07 2598 2661(Hudson, Dr. Martha)

FLAGGED TERMS:

Criterion, Tara, Somna* (Somnath requested), “Big Brother”

 

CONTENT:

Mats! are you busy just now?

For you I am free

Excellent! I need coffee

I am not bringing you coffee

We can meet at The Criterion

What is happening, Violet? I know you have a research project on

Just a little harmless curiosity

Your definition of harmless?

Nothing illegal!

Fine. Shall I call Tara and Somna?

If you like. But don’t send it through the system

Right. Big Brother et al.

Elder Son, most like

Later!

 

________________________________

TO: [ vchancellor@bakeruniversity.ac.uk ](mailto:vchancellor@bakeruniversity.ac.uk)

FROM: [ prydain@bakeruniversity.ac.uk ](mailto:prydain@bakeruniversity.ac.uk)

 

Sent: August 20, 8:45 a.m.

 

Dr. Holmes, please check your mobile.

 

A.

________________________________

 

aprydain: Possible Geriatric Interference alert. Will your present camera feed will be sufficient, or would you like another line opened up?

vcprivate: I should have taken that job as an arms dealer

vcprivate: the existing line is sufficient. Has she called the Chats yet?

aprydain: Dr. Hudson is on the phone to Tara as we speak

vcprivate: What, do you estimate, is the likelihood of this little coffee outing being unluckily-timed?

aprydain: Very, very unlikely. She doesn’t want you knowing.

vcprivate: My thoughts exactly. And the possible outcomes are all relatively gruesome

vcprivate: Speaking of, where is my dear brother?

aprydain: He’s blocked up the camera feeds, both the new one and the decoy, but the lobby feed caught him on his way out. He’s heading to the library, and he’s…

aprydain: I am loth to tell you

vcprivate: the purple shirt

aprydain: oh, you found him

vcprivate: Perhaps I should text Mother.

aprydain: Perhaps you should.

aprydain: Or you could simply let the two elements neutralize each other.

vcprivate: This is not a chemistry experiment.

aprydain: but if it were, your concern is that Mr. Lestrade would likely be stunned by the byproducts of the process?

vcprivate: at least. That, and my mother might get an overweening sense of her own importance.

aprydain: your mother is so lovely she’s terrifying

vcprivate: One of those words is a correct assessment.

aprydain: on the other hand, the meeting is going quite smoothly.

aprydain: Ms. Hawkins is playing the demure card reasonably competently for someone of her considerable...oomph.

vcprivate: I refuse to ask you questions about your personal life.

aprydain: Considerable oomph.

vcprivate: I have at least thirteen problems to solve, and you have no fewer than five. Save your unprofessional behaviour for our wager.

aprydain: very well. Let me know if you need on-the-ground intervention.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning for girls kissing and some very pretentious domain names.

 

TO: 07 2442 3647 (ThE_WIGG)

FROM: 07 5112 0163 (SH)

 

Going to library. Prepare me reports on all library employees. For 1 p.m. SH

On it.

Also personal detail, esp. sexual orientation. SH

Why?

1 p.m. SH

________________________________

 

smoran: Boss, you should probably see this, right now

moriarty: specify

smoran: will forward, personal

moriarty: this better be good, you’re supposed to be programming our surveillance algorithms

smoran: oh, it is.

________________________________

 

TO: [ theking@butcher.net ](mailto:theking@butcher.net)

FROM: [ thesteward@candlestickmaker.net ](mailto:thesteward@candlestickmaker.net)

  
Sent: August 20, 8:55 a.m.

 

LOCATION:  ACD #233 (Private office)

TRANSCRIPT August 15 12:05-12:32

 

SALLY DONOVAN: What’s the deal then?

JANINE HAWKINS: We abandon this ridiculous farce and I sweep you away to a tropical island

DONOVAN: One time. It was one time. And it was Anderson’s fault

HAWKINS: NO do not mention him or he will follow the sound of his name and discover us in flagrante here

DONOVAN: All I wanted was a bit of excitement

HAWKINS: Fine. What are the stakes?

DONOVAN: Twenty quid?

HAWKINS: That, and bragging rights.

DONOVAN: Clearly.

HAWKINS: Sex means what- penetration?

DONOVAN: Orgasm.

HAWKINS: Yes, yes… YES

DONOVAN: QUIET

HAWKINS: For both, though.

DONOVAN: It better be.

HAWKINS: A bit unfair. Say for one at least.

DONOVAN: I can live with that...for the sake of the bet.

HAWKINS: Seal the bet with a kiss?

DONOVAN: You are the most persistent person on the face of the earth.

HAWKINS: It’s your freckles. Also, you adore me.

DONOVAN: I do, I suppose. Very well.

________________________________

 

moriarty: Any visual on that non-handshake?

smoran: No. And I looked.

moriarty: Who’s the target?

smoran: New head nerd, Greg Lestrade. Well enough, but no Sherlock Holmes

moriarty: ah. But why am I interested in this, Seb? It’s just a childish bet

smoran: oh, there’s more. His Nibs is also in the race, with Prydain.

moriarty: and Sherlock?

smoran: suspects. There’s about to be some high drama at The Criterion

moriarty: I need proof. Patch me in to His Nibs’ feed

smoran: coming up. I’ll forward you the text & transcripts

________________________________


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for swinging seniors, doge-speak, and Lestrade being hunted down like a delicious, delicious caribou.

LOCATION: Criterion (Feeds 1 and 2)

TRANSCRIPT August 20, 7:42-11:58

[FEED 1]

GREGORY LESTRADE: Good morning, everyone. I’m Greg Lestrade, the new head, as you may know, and uh, I called this meeting to first of all, uh, introduce myself and second, to get a sense of the major issues and get things running smoothly before the undergraduates arrive.

JANINE HAWKINS: Good morning, Mr. Lestrade…

LESTRADE: Please, call me Greg.

HAWKINS: Greg. I’m Janine Hawkins. We’ve spoken briefly on the phone

SALLY DONOVAN (whispering): You have?

LESTRADE: Of course.

PHILLIP ANDERSON: Philip Anderson.

LESTRADE: Nice to meet you. Main desk, right?

ANDERSON: Yes. I’d like to say a word about the budget…

HAWKINS (whispering): one word?

LESTRADE: I’ll make a note of it, but I’d like to continue the meeting.

DONOVAN: I’m Sally Donovan, the medical librarian.

LESTRADE: Pleasure. It’s an impressive collection, and I’m looking forward to see how you’re managing it.

DONOVAN: Of course.

LESTRADE: I will be meeting with you each individually, of course, to discuss what needs to be done. I don’t want to make any decisions without that information.  

DONOVAN: I am so looking forward to working together.

LESTRADE: So am I; I think there’s quite a lot we can do.

HAWKINS (whispering): Is ‘working’ what they call it nowadays?

DONOVAN (whispering): I heard that.

LESTRADE: Ms. Hawkins? Ms. Donovan?

HAWKINS: Sorry, Mr. … er, Greg.

LESTRADE: Thank you. All right, let’s get started.

[8:05-10:38 redacted]

 

[ FEED 2]

[8:48 start]

IAN HOLMES: Well, hello. This is a surprise!

VIOLET HOLMES: Ian, for heaven’s sake, it is not. I texted you our drink orders.

MARTHA HUDSON: No, Violet.

SOMNATH CHATTERJEE: You didn’t.

TARA CHATTERJEE: But I did, Ian. Honestly, you are none of you compos mentis enough to be wandering around loose.

VIOLET HOLMES: Well, I meant to.

IAN HOLMES: So you did, Tara, I’m very sorry. Have a seat and I’ll get to making them.

VIOLET HOLMES: Thank you, dear.

HUDSON: Thank you, Ian, love.

IAN HOLMES: Martha, you are so sweet. And, I must say, beautiful.

SOMNATH CHATTERJEE: Flatterer. Why can nobody see you for the wicked man you are?

TARA CHATTERJEE: We all know just how wicked he can be.

IAN HOLMES: Tara, darling, it’s only because I can’t resist you.

VIOLET HOLMES: Oi! Let us not forget why we are here.

TARA CHATTERJEE: I haven’t, only Ian distracted me.

SOMNATH CHATTERJEE: It’s the tie.

IAN HOLMES: It’s my most seductive tie.

MARTHA HUDSON: I’m feeling a little weak-kneed.

VIOLET HOLMES: Really, you three. You four, rather. Save it for Sussex.

 

________________________________

 

vcprivate: I hate my life

aprydain: why are you even here? I can monitor this for you, you know.

vcprivate: I am on hold. Me. On hold. I blame IT for this.

aprydain: so you don’t want a feed to that cottage they’ve all rented in Sussex?

vcprivate: go away.

aprydain: you’re the one listening to this. I’m just keeping an ear in because I want to know if they’ll make a bet themselves.

vcprivate: [the number you have reached is not in service]

aprydain: so flippant. such masochist.

vcprivate: what have we agreed about doge-speak?

aprydain: that it’s hilarious and you’ll raise my salary every time I use it?

vcprivate: much wrong.

aprydain: I do hope you’re planning to use your sparkling wit to seduce this Lestrade

aprydain: it’ll give me an enormous advantage

vcprivate: shhh

________________________________

LOCATION: Criterion (Feeds 1 and 2)

TRANSCRIPT August 20, 7:42-11:58

 

[ FEED 2]

[9:02 start]

VIOLET HOLMES: Now that we are all here...

MARTHA HUDSON: Ian’s not here.

VIOLET HOLMES: He is, you just saw him.

MARTHA HUDSON: He’s not at this table.

VIOLET HOLMES: Mats, he’s making our drinks. Where is your mind?

TARA CHATTERJEE: In the gutter.

MARTHA HUDSON: She’s not wrong.

VIOLET HOLMES: IF we could just quell our inner children for a moment, I have called you all here for an actual reason.

SOMNATH CHATTERJEE: Tell us. We’ll be good.

MARTHA HUDSON: Speak for yourself.

VIOLET HOLMES: MATS.

MARTHA HUDSON: Fine.

IAN HOLMES: Drinks!

SOMNATH CHATTERJEE: Oooh, delightful. Ian, is that a heart on Martha’s cappuccino?

IAN HOLMES: It is. I just learned to make them the other day.

TARA CHATTERJEE: I do like this tea, Ian. But if you could all direct your attention to the other corner of the room, I do believe Violet has something to tell us.

VIOLET HOLMES: Thank you, Tara. Do you see that man? The one with the silver hair?

MARTHA HUDSON: Well I do now. Goodness, he’s handsome.

VIOLET HOLMES: And that is why we’re here.

IAN HOLMES: To look? Really?

VIOLET HOLMES: No, but go ahead.

IAN HOLMES: Oh, I am.

SOMNATH CHATTERJEE: Me too.

TARA CHATTERJEE: So am I. But we’re not just looking.

VIOLET HOLMES: No. I was poking about in the feeds because Sherlock came and had lunch with us yesterday.

SOMNATH CHATTERJEE: Sherlock came to have lunch? With you? Voluntarily?

VIOLET HOLMES: No, not voluntarily. But this isn’t about that. I found a little nugget in Mycroft’s logs that say there’s a bet going.

MARTHA HUDSON: A bet. What kind of bet? Please tell me it’s the good kind of bet.

VIOLET HOLMES: It is. First past the post with that very handsome man.

SOMNATH CHATTERJEE: Well. That seems like a good way to get ready for the new academic year.

TARA CHATTERJEE: So we’re all in it together, though, aren’t we? Share the glory? And, I presume, the money?

VIOLET HOLMES: I rather thought we could all go in, yes. Ian?

IAN HOLMES: Up against some rather stiff competition, aren’t we?

VIOLET HOLMES: Against Ms. Donovan and Ms. Hawkins so far. They’re younger, certainly.

MARTHA HUDSON: We do have the pack advantage, of course. Not to mention we can provide options.

IAN HOLMES: I have a couple of options for that delicious young man.

SOMNATH CHATTERJEE: Indeed.

________________________________

 

aprydain: this is going to be so much fun

vcprivate: I am going to abolish the mathematics department

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for The Purple Shirt, motherly threats, and a Cabin Pressure reference.

LOCATION: Criterion (Feeds 1 and 2)

TRANSCRIPT August 20, 7:42-11:58

[FEED 1]

 

[9:17 start]

 

SHERLOCK HOLMES: LESTRADE!

GREGORY LESTRADE: Excuse me?

SALLY DONOVAN [whispering]: Fuck.

JANINE HAWKINS[whispering]: This is going to be perfection.

SHERLOCK HOLMES: Ah, Lestrade. Excuse me, I believe we have an appointment. My name is Sherlock Holmes, from the chemistry department.

LESTRADE: Yes, pleasure to meet you. I’m afraid I can’t help you right now, though. I’m in a meeting. If you speak to Archie at the desk, he can schedule you in to see me around eleven.

SHERLOCK HOLMES: Impossible. Experiment running, need documentation immediately. I know you will be able to help me.

________________________________

 

vcprivate: where has he been?

aprydain: hairdresser

vcprivate: he has NOT...wait, is he smiling seductively?

aprydain: that’s definitely too sharky for a first meeting

vcprivate: It’s not working, at least. That’s a point in the plus side for Mr. Lestrade.

aprydain: you think he could be our man?

aprydain: I mean, should I cancel the traumatology search?

vcprivate: for several reasons, no.

________________________________

 

LESTRADE: Then you will have to wait.

SHERLOCK HOLMES: I’m much too busy to wait.

ANDERSON: Aren’t you always.

SHERLOCK HOLMES: Thank you for your input. Mr. Lestrade, if you will?

LESTRADE: I  am busy. If you care to wait, this gentleman makes excellent lattés.

IAN HOLMES: Sherlock! I saved you some cinnamon scones!

SHERLOCK HOLMES: I am BUSY.

LESTRADE: Listen. No matter how busy you are, you will not interrupt my meeting, nor be rude to the Criterion staff.

SHERLOCK HOLMES: Watch me.

VIOLET HOLMES: Sherlock?

SHERLOCK HOLMES: Buggering fuck.

________________________________

 

aprydain: don’t you wish you had a cup of coffee right now?

vcprivate: save the smart remarks or I’ll send you down there to get me one.

aprydain: I am only being quiet because I want to hear what Mummy says. How is she going to switch so suddenly from talking about seduction to reprimanding her wayward offspring?

vcprivate: You’d be surprised.

aprydain: that was a rhetorical question

________________________________

 

VIOLET HOLMES: I’m having coffee, but your father isn’t busy. Go and have coffee with him while Mr. Lestrade finishes his meeting.

IAN HOLMES: Hello, Sherlock!

SHERLOCK HOLMES: Mother. I am working.

VIOLET HOLMES: Your father has saved you some cinnamon scones.

SHERLOCK HOLMES: Working.

VIOLET HOLMES: Now.

IAN HOLMES: Scones!

SHERLOCK HOLMES: No.

VIOLET HOLMES: I have all your childhood photographs and a ‘reply all’ button at my disposal.

SHERLOCK HOLMES: Ugh.

IAN HOLMES: Tea or coffee?

________________________________

 

aprydain: See? Terrifying, yet fabulous.

vcprivate: I must see her about those photographs.

aprydain: and other techniques. Look at Sherlock sitting down like a lamb

vcprivate: Look at Mother flirting with Lestrade, more like. She wastes no time.

________________________________

 

LESTRADE: Why thank you.  I’m Gregory Lestrade. Pleased to meet you.

VIOLET HOLMES: The pleasure is mine. I’m Violet Holmes, mathematics. Welcome to Baker.

LESTRADE: I’m pleased to be here. Do let me know if I can do anything for you.

VIOLET HOLMES: I certainly will.

LESTRADE: Excuse me, everyone. Now, about the budget, did anyone have any further questions?  
  


[Feed cut] 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for Andersonian obtusity and Moriartian machinations.

LOCATION: Criterion (Feeds 1 and 2)

TRANSCRIPT August 20, 7:42-11:58

[FEED 1]

 

[10:55 start]

 

GREGORY LESTRADE: So, if there’s nothing else, I’d like to close the meeting. Thanks very much for your contributions, and I look forward to working with you.

SALLY DONOVAN: Likewise.

JANINE HAWKINS: Very much.

PHILIP ANDERSON: If you will, Greg, just a word about the clerks?

LESTRADE: I’m afraid I can’t help you now; I’ve got to speak to Dr. Holmes.

HAWKINS [laughing]: That narrows it right down.

LESTRADE: I suppose there are two of them.

HAWKINS: Three, in fact. Dr. Mycroft Holmes is the vice-chancellor.

LESTRADE: Of course! Goodness, what an intelligent family.

DONOVAN [whispering]: and yet..

LESTRADE: Sorry?

DONOVAN: Oh, sorry, talking to myself. I’ll send you an email to follow up on the issues we discussed.

LESTRADE: Sounds good. [turns]

 

________________________________

 

moriarty: that man is glorious but infuriating

moriarty: he waited for an eternal time

smoran: less than two hours

moriarty: an ETERNAL time for the brilliant

smoran: By all means continue to be an arsehole, Jim.

moriarty: to talk to that elderly book jockey

moriarty: that bet has got to be stopped

smoran: Your crush on him is hopeless, it really is.

moriarty: hahahahaahhaahah

moriarty: I hear Magnussen needs some help with desktop support.

smoran: You wouldn’t!

moriarty: try me

smoran: Fine. How, O marvelous one, are you going to stop it?

moriarty: publicity

smoran: What?

moriarty: Mummy Holmes is not the only one with a ‘reply all’ button

smoran: You wouldn’t.

moriarty: it’s perfect

moriarty: imagine the feeding frenzy in Medicine

smoran: I can’t support this

moriarty: nobody asked you to. working on it now

smoran: JIM.

moriarty: should I call Magnussen?

smoran: What do you need me to do?

moriarty: I need you to keep your eyes out

moriarty: I don’t want to miss anything.

________________________________

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for Lestrade being firm and Anthea being a hussy.

LOCATION: Criterion (Feeds 1 and 2)

TRANSCRIPT August 20, 7:42-11:58

[FEED 1]

 

[11:01 start]

 

GREGORY LESTRADE: So, Dr. Holmes, what can I do for you?

SHERLOCK HOLMES: Sherlock, please. I’d like to discuss the interlibrary loan service.

LESTRADE: By all means. I see that you have discussed with Archie McDonough.

SHERLOCK HOLMES: I did send him several emails, yes. I must apologize to him; I was somewhat overwrought.

________________________________

 

vcprivate: what.

aprydain: he is a terrible actor

vcprivate: This Lestrade may be taken in

aprydain: he won’t. he’s got that firmness that you like

vcprivate: Excuse me?

aprydain: you heard me

aprydain: double entendre bloody well meant

vcprivate: you are an insubordinate hussy

aprydain: thank you!

________________________________

 

LESTRADE: That’s understandable, but you have to function within the rules, you understand. I cannot have you terrorizing my clerks.

SHERLOCK HOLMES: Of course, of course. And really, please excuse me, I haven’t welcomed you to Baker yet. [offers hand to shake] Welcome.

LESTRADE: Oh. Thank you. [shakes hand] Now, how can I help you?

SHERLOCK HOLMES: [waves hand dismissively] I’ll send a graduate student in future. While I’m here, though, why don’t you show me to the section on poisons?

LESTRADE: BT or NT?

SHERLOCK HOLMES: NT, of course. I’m working on a monograph about burnable poisons presently.

LESTRADE: Ah, interesting. Right this way, please. You can apologize to Archie on the way.

SHERLOCK HOLMES: Of course.

[They leave]

JANINE HAWKINS [whispering]: Did that just happen?

SALLY DONOVAN: It did, and you bloody know it.

PHILIP ANDERSON: I’m going to go and draft a memo.

________________________________

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BT and NT are the Library of Congress subject headings for hazardous substances and other poisons, respectively.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to nautilicious and iriswallpaper for reading over my Mycroft & Anthea bit--I've not written them talking before and I needed some help with the tone.


End file.
